He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
