So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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