why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Come share oat with me in your robe
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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