Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
