On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
