toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
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