I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
