I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
