Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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