The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
