she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
