I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
