I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
