Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Randomize
