I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
