I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
