im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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