I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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