dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
