There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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