I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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