You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
