I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
