whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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