All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
