So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
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We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
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The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
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