Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
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Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
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Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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