he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
