I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
