I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
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He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
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Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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