I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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