my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Found the puke drawer
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
