John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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