Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
