dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize