She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
