Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
