I hate all girls vehemently.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
