I think i peed on brittanys purse
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
