thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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