Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
