I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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