Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
