I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
