ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
pop tarts are not kleenex
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize