just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
