life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
