he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
