He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
