she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
you never un-have a 4some
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
