you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
