I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
