I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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