I'm going to jail i love you
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
