Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
