Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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