I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
