Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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