he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
