The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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