the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
