No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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